I am Predictable

“Say yes to new adventures”

I am predictable.  I do not do well with change.   I am structured and function better when I have a routine.  I am a control freak. Thinking and rereading the previous statements make me cringe.  How many chances have I missed out on because I did not want to stray outside the invisible lines of the path I thought I should be on?  My move to Florida was a hard one. For a person who requires structure and routine, I left everything I felt comfortable with for a chance to experience something I had not felt in quite some time.  I do not regret my move. Never that. Almost five years later, that decision I made, has made me the person I am today. The woman I am today. One I do not recognize because I am still trying to fit into that skin.  One that 6 years ago was nowhere in sight. Stuck on a hope that would never realize itself with a man who could not make a decision for himself. Mentally and emotionally stuck in a place where I was not happy. Not happy with myself, my surroundings, in short, my life.

I am predictable.  I am the mom figure of my girlfriends.  I am the one that looks on with that expression of “yes, they (my friends) are mine; yes, I know they are acting a mess”.  I am never the one acting a mess.

I do not do well with change.  I take the same route to work every morning as I have for the last five years.  I try to vary it every once in a while, but that does not always go so well for me.

I am structured and function better when I have a routine.  I write to-do lists that involve other lists. I plan out my week, I write out what I am doing and at what time.  It is color coded and time blocked.

I am a control freak.  I do not do spontaneous.  It gives me anxiety because I think of everything that could possibly go wrong.  I think of everything I will not be doing because I chose to do something else that was not planned for.

I have wanted to change that for some time.  I want to be able to say that I took a chance at life and I lived it.  Last week, I did something out of character. Although it was planned, it was still out of the norm for me.  I took a huge leap and flew to Knoxville, Tennessee, so I could meet somebody I had spoken with (on a professional level) for the last year.  Over the past year we had shared small little tidbits: I grew up in Vegas; He had been in the Army and spent time in Iraq; I have a brother who is in the Air Force; he had no clue what a gopher tortoise was, or that they were a protected species; I was very involved in my projects (hints of control freak there).  I honestly do not remember what we were “professionally” talking about but I mentioned something along the lines that I had already done my research on him. Facebook stalk much? We live in a world where anything is at your fingertips if you know what you are looking for. Suddenly I look down at the flashing screen on my desk and see a friend request.  In the first 48 hours after that moment, this man knew more about me than my last two exes did in the time we dated.

Fast forward to last Friday, I had been extremely calm since our conversation four days earlier.  He surprised me with a call in the middle of the day, he cut right to the chase. “What are your intentions with me Ms. Rubio?”  He caught me off guard, I laughed to try and hide my shock and loss for words. I thought I was going to have to ask him what his intentions were with me.  He asked again. “Shit, he’s expecting me to have an answer to this”, I thought to myself. After a few minutes, the shock wore off, he explained why he asked.  I am still astonished by his honesty with me. It is not something I often find. “I want to enjoy your company, Mr. Grey” (we are protecting the innocent right now, as he does not know I am writing about him yet).  “I want to get to know you on a personal level and I want to see if we eventually build something that we have both searched for.” By the end of the lunch hour conversation, we had determined that we were on the same page.  The upcoming weekend meant the same thing to the both of us. Reminiscing on the last break up over a year ago, I was still a little leery. What was I getting myself into? Was I really going to do this? I had nothing to lose, right?  For the first time in my life, since my move to Florida, I was taking a chance on something.

As I walked out of the Tyson McGhee Airport on Friday night I felt butterflies.  There was this man, standing curbside next to his truck, waiting for me; huge smile on his face.  I was still inside when our eyes locked, but it was at this moment that I realized that I had just done something that had the capabilities of changing my future.  I could feel my eyes water. “WTF girl? Get your life together”, I thought to myself as I walked closer to him. It went so fast, I was outside and, in his arms, receiving a long-awaited hug.  He grabbed my weekender off my shoulder, grabbed my purse “come here girl, give me a proper hug” he said in that oh-so smooth country boy accent of his that just made me melt any time he spoke (regardless of what he said).

As I sat on that window seat looking over Knoxville on Sunday, I knew that buying those plane tickets was the best decision I could have made for myself.  There was no awkwardness between he and I. We were just both genuinely happy to get to share each other’s company. It was something special, exciting, and authentic.  We both had reached the conclusion that our previous messes of relationships taught us enough to know what we were searching for, not only in ourselves, but in our future partners.  Am I afraid of what may happen between us as we develop this? Of course! Am I going to let it stop me? No! The biggest chance I could have taken was getting on that plane last week, and I have already done that.

I can be spontaneous.  I can take chances. I can function without a routine and plenty of unknowns.  I do not always need a routine. I can mentally relinquish control when my heart needs to take over.

I came, I saw, and I conquered Knoxville.  What next? Possibly, his heart?